Saturday, November 13, 2010


Today marks four months that I’ve been alive without my beautiful husband. How have I walked this earth for four months without him by my side? How have I taken each and every breath I’ve taken to sustain life without him on this earth? Each and every second that passes seems unbearable so how is it that the seconds have turned to minutes, minutes gave way to hours and then turned into days, and now days have become months ... 
I feel like it has only been a just few weeks since he was so violently ripped from this world. I feel like I was widowed just yesterday. Have I really been able to claim the title for four months now?
I wonder, when will it really sink in. I know that he is dead, I know that I won’t hear the door click unlocked in the morning when he returns home from a long shift at the firehouse. I know that I’ll never hear him say “ I love you babe” , or feel his strong arms hold me close to him as I fall asleep at night. I know all of the things I miss and grieve for... I just can’t yet fully comprehend it. I cannot fully comprehend the finality of it all. Is this really my life now? 
Every day this feeling just looms over me ... I feel as if I am waiting, just waiting and waiting. What am I waiting for? I have no clue. It is not a conscience decision to wait made within my brain. It must be a sub-conscience feeling manifested in my heart and soul. You see deep down my heart and soul is waiting for El to come home, or to communicate with me, or to just let me feel his love once again. My heart and soul believes that our love is stronger than death. So I wait and I wait and I wait ...


  1. beautiful, strong Lacey. waiting is all you can do for now. you are so new to grief. it is so oppressive at first. you cannot breathe, and yet you do. you want to scream at the sky but it seems no one can hear you. you tell your story, of what happened to you and your beloved, and then you want to tell it again, and again, until it sinks in to someone other than you that this person, this extraordinary person has been ripped from your life and the world should be as miserable as you are. the world should stop turning and wait with you.

    i feel blessed to have met you at the Soul Widows retreat. your laugh is contagious. i know Elliot is loving the strength you possess to be able to laugh at this time. he loves your strength for holding the truth in your hands and daring the world to gainsay. you are a Marine, and my Dragon, if he were not with Elliot talking about us, would have loved to talk with you, share with you, about your experiences.

    Anam Cara. it means "soul friend" in Irish Gaelic. it is what we are. after last weekend, it is what we all are, the tribe we created together. Anam Cara. i am here to talk to. i wish we lived closer, but we are lucky to live with this technology. i type here, hit post, and you can read it instantly. i am here. i read. i will "sit" with you.

    i wish you peace and light.

  2. Thank you so much for the beautiful words ... oh how you have a way with words. I love to think that Elliott and Dragon are up there now talking about us. I am so blessed to have you in my life now...