Saturday, January 8, 2011

grief is a thief

Grief has totally stolen my ability to make decisions.
Elliott and I had been planning to get a new pup for the last couple of years. We really wanted a large breed dog and we had done all kinds of research to figure out what breed would be right for us. Since El was killed I knew I would eventually get another dog , but I just didn’t know when the timing would be right. 
To make a long story short my sister convinced me to go take a look at a litter of pups and thats when things got complicated...
After visiting with the pups, when I got home the anxiety kicked in and my brain began to spin... 
I really want one of these dogs, but can I handle it ?” 
“Elliott would love this dog.”
“I can totally handle it, wait no I can’t handle it.” 
“Yes I can , no I can’t, yes I can, no I can’t...” 
The thoughts run ramped I can’t make a logical decision on what to do. My brain keeps spinning... 
“ I can take good care of this dog, no I can’t I’m a mess I have nothing to offer.” 
“I can give this puppy a good home, who am I kidding my home is broken.”
“This puppy will bring a tiny bit of joy, but what if I screw the dog up?”
“What if I’m too sad? “
“I’m getting the dog, I’m not getting the dog.”
“It’s a good decision, no it’s a bad decision, wait who cares if it’s a bad decision I’m a crazy widow I’m expected to make bad decisions.” 
“I’m getting the dog, I’m not getting the dog.”
Grief has taken all my confidence not just in my physical appearance, but the confidence I had in myself— in my judgement, my reasoning and my capabilities. I used to be self assured, independent and assertive. I now question everything. I am good with animals, I already have dogs, El and I were going to get a dog anyway, Yet I feel like I’ll fail at raising a puppy. It not just the decision on whether to get a dog or not. I struggle with the most minute choices. I could stand in the isle at the store and just stare at the shelves for hours trying to decide between two totally insignificant items. I tried picking out a stupid curtain rod and and left empty handed because it was too overwhelming to make a choice. I could literally leave a store with tears welling up in my eyes because I get so much anxiety over the dumbest decisions.
The world isn’t safe anymore. Nothing is the same, nothing is how I thought it was. I can’t trust the world, I can’t trust Life... So why the fuck would I be able to trust myself.
I could trust El. He was my safety, he was my rock. I could count on him. Everything is different now.
... After all the mental anguish I got the puppy. I brought him home to my parents house and  the first night I really felt numb. It scared me because here is this adorable bundle of pure puppy love, and I wasn't completely enamored. I went to sleep hopeful anyway. The next morning I woke up and thought I made a terrible decision. I freaked out and thought “I need to take him back, he deserves better than me.” I spent a few more hours in mental anguish over what I had gotten myself into. But, by the afternoon, a calmness washed over me. I stopped beating myself up and I made a commitment to give this dog the best I could along with my other pups. Elliott would love him— and I’m totally in love with him too...


  1. This post totally hits home. I am baffled by my lack of decisions making skills these days. It's just another overwhelming and agitating part of widowhood, isn't it? Your pup is adorable! Thinking of you Lacey!

  2. He's so cute! Good choice! What's his name?

    The indecisiveness hit me hard too, for a long while. It felt overwhelming to be making decsions on my own. And my memory was non-existant so when I did make a decision, I often wouldn't remember stuff. Grief is a thief of so many things.

    But it does get better. It's like our body needs to operate in that type of shock for as long as it needs so it can just keep living. But gradually, you will get more confident in your decision making. It still is terrible that you have to make decisions on your own, but you get better at it. Which for me is bittersweet....

    Enjoy your sweet puppy!

  3. Nothing is the same, nothing is how I thought it was. I can’t trust the world, I can’t trust Life...

    sudden random death really messes with Trusting the Universe, doesn't it.

    You will be a great family for the new love hound.

  4. OMG!!! What a cute little face!!! I know it's hard to make these big decisions, and I also know what it's like to not have confidence in yourself. It's a battle that I struggle with everyday, and I was NEVER this person. I hate it, but it's getting better. It'll be the same for you I'm sure, things will get better, it just takes time. You are going to be a great puppy Momma, you are amazing!!! What's your new furbaby's name?? :)

  5. "Grief has totally stolen my ability to make decisions."

    I feel the exact same way. I'm terrified of making decisions on my own, cause I'm afraid I'll choose something Jer wouldn't like, wouldn't want, or dishonor his memory in some way. It's exhausting and so consuming to make even the smallest decisions. Ugh.

    I hope you find peace in your decision. The puppy is very cute.

    Your "good mind" will find you have no worries it may just take a while. Please know that through your indecisiveness friends will be there to support you even if that means helping you walk your new little guy :)

  7. Very cute puppy! I know all too well about your indecisiveness!! Unfortunately, so many others do too. The numbness that you felt, I think is normal. I just can't quite put it into words, but it's hard to love something new, even if it's a puppy. But, as you've shown us, it can be done. He's adorable.

  8. There is nothing like the love of a dog - I'm sure you will not regret it.

    Mine is brindle too, the best ones :)