Tuesday, September 28, 2010

How did I get here ?

How did I get here ? That is the question I keep asking myself. How? I mean I understand what happened that day. I know that my husband was killed, that he's gone, that he's not coming home. But, somehow I just can't quite wrap my mind around it, I just can not completely comprehend it. 

I am still stuck in the fog. I'm trapped in the place between life and death, between the only life that I know and the new life that I fear...  A new life that I don't want, I did not choose and can not yet accept.

 It has been a little over two months since Elliott was killed. The days keep passing, with no regard for my pain. Doesn't the earth know that Elliott is not here anymore ? How can the world keep spinning ? With each new sunrise and sunset I feel like I simultaneously get unbearably farther yet a teeny tiny bit closer to him. I get farther from his earthly body but closer to his spirit. 

I have wanted to start this blog for the last two months now. I just could not muster up the energy to put it together. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing, but some how this seems right. I am here to remember, record, explore, vent and most of all CONNECT. I want to connect with other women who are walking the same path. Women who have been inducted into this club that no one would ever choose to join. I hope that through writing I can help myself and maybe somehow help someone else who may be feeling the same way. I want to be raw and candid about my journey as a young widow. I want to use this place to express my thoughts and feelings without fear of  judgement from those who may not understand. 

I give myself permission to be honest, to be how ever I need to be, say whatever I want to say, and write whatever I want to write about this messed up journey I call my life.


  1. Hi Lacey--
    I got here from your comment on the Crash Course Widow site. I just wanted to say hello and let you know that someone's reading. I've been through what you're going through. It's been a little more than 2 years for me. You should know it gets easier and harder at the same time. It's a roller coaster, but you will learn how to deal with it, and I promise that you will feel more like yourself eventually. Just allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling whenever you feel it. There's no right and wrong and no "shoulds" when it comes to this. Take care.
    (P.S. The blog this links to pre-date's "N"'s death, but I had no other way to comment on your blog. I haven't looked at it since.)

  2. Hey,
    Thanks so much for the widow wisdom ... always appreciated

  3. HI Lacey, I am soooo soooo sorry for your loss. Although, I am not a widow, I heard of your husbands death from friends of mine who are going into being firefighters up in Anchorage. When I stumbled onto your blog my heart just broke for you and then when I realized that the prayers that were asked from my friends were to your family. I am so sorry.(Im from Alaska, moved away in 2007 to marry the military) you are def in my thoughts and prayers!

  4. Hugs honey. So sorry to meet you here in hell....