Tuesday, September 28, 2010
How did I get here ?
How did I get here ? That is the question I keep asking myself. How? I mean I understand what happened that day. I know that my husband was killed, that he's gone, that he's not coming home. But, somehow I just can't quite wrap my mind around it, I just can not completely comprehend it.
I am still stuck in the fog. I'm trapped in the place between life and death, between the only life that I know and the new life that I fear... A new life that I don't want, I did not choose and can not yet accept.
It has been a little over two months since Elliott was killed. The days keep passing, with no regard for my pain. Doesn't the earth know that Elliott is not here anymore ? How can the world keep spinning ? With each new sunrise and sunset I feel like I simultaneously get unbearably farther yet a teeny tiny bit closer to him. I get farther from his earthly body but closer to his spirit.
I have wanted to start this blog for the last two months now. I just could not muster up the energy to put it together. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing, but some how this seems right. I am here to remember, record, explore, vent and most of all CONNECT. I want to connect with other women who are walking the same path. Women who have been inducted into this club that no one would ever choose to join. I hope that through writing I can help myself and maybe somehow help someone else who may be feeling the same way. I want to be raw and candid about my journey as a young widow. I want to use this place to express my thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement from those who may not understand.
I give myself permission to be honest, to be how ever I need to be, say whatever I want to say, and write whatever I want to write about this messed up journey I call my life.