Monday, February 14, 2011

to my Valentine

Well babe, what can I say to you today... words just can not do justice to what my soul feels. 
This is the first Valentine’s Day I am facing without you... Today I was supposed to wake up in the morning to you saying “babe c’mon it’s time to get up.” A few minutes later I would have crawled out of bed with my hair a mess and sleep in my eyes... then stumbled down the hall to find you sitting in the living room. After a few minutes my eyes would finally be focused and I would see something special; something that took a lot of thought. It would be something I mentioned I wanted months ago and had forgotten about coupled with gift cards to my favorite places and flowers or candy. Whatever it was it would be overboard and amazing, never generic  I would look at you and say “babe, you weren't supposed to get me anything, what is all this?” You would look at me with a mischievous grin and tell me “ Happy Valentine’s Day.” I would ask  “when the hell did you do all this?” You would tell me you woke up early while I was asleep and drove all around town to three or four places to find just exactly what you were looking for. You would probably have some story of how you got frustrated trying to find just the right color so you had to go to another store, and you were kinda worried I’d wake up before you got home and set everything up. But, you knew you’d probably be fine because of how much I love to sleep in. I would see a card that you most likely hand drew or embellished with your beautiful writing. I would start to read it, but I would be in tears before I even made it through the first sentence because I knew how amazing your words would be. I’d finally make it to the end of the card a crying blubbering mess. With happy tears streaming down my face I’d hug and kiss you. I’d spend the rest of the day thanking you and telling you what an amazing husband you were and how absolutely blessed I was to be your wife. We would have a little debate over who was luckier to have who and you’d tell me how much you loved me. The rest of the day we’d just hang around the house, maybe we’d go to dinner or maybe we’d cook at home and stay in. We would probably cuddle up on the couch with our pups and pop in a movie and munch on candy...
I know exactly how it would go because it would be the same as it has been the last five  years we’ve been married. Unfortunately I have to spend today reliving those memories instead of creating new ones. It’s not the gifts or the flowers I miss, I never cared about that stuff. It’s you, it’s your face, your voice, your arms holding me tight to your chest. This is not how it was supposed to be, and I still can’t completely comprehend this new reality without you. 

My heart is so filled with love for you, yet simultaneously broken in your absence. I miss you with every ounce of me and every fiber of my being aches to feel you near. If God would let me join you I would go without reservation. However, I know that is not what is in his plan. I know I must be patient and that one day my number will be up, you will greet me in eternity and it will be as if no time has passed. Be that as it may, every second here with out you is a second too long. Each breath is a battle to push forward when all I really want to do is go back; to return to a time when my heart didn’t know this sorrow and our souls didn’t know this separation. I want to return to that time when we were only conscience of love and grief couldn’t stain every thought.
I was supposed to live this life with you, we were supposed to walk through this world  together. I don’t know how to live it for us, I don’t know how to do this by myself. I need you El. 
Though I’m not ready babe, I promise to try my best to live for you. I promise to try and be a reflection of your love; to show the world who you are and to never let them forget you were here, and you were real. 
So Happy Valentine’s Day ♡ babe and thank you for the greatest gift of all. You gave me the gift of TRUE LOVE. A love that most never find, a truly unconditional, unwavering, selfless, beautiful amazing love.  


  1. I love these pictures on this post so much! True love is such an incredible gift, and so obvious when two people have it! Your love for Elliott seeps through your words.

  2. Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once.

  3. Great Photos Lacey.
    I know you've been jet-setting back and forth from home but just wanted to stop by let you know I'm still thinking and praying for you and all my offers still stand for anything you may need :) Your pup sure does seem to have gotten large would love to see some more photos.
    Hope you are well and finding peace. Many hugs.

  4. dude,

    keep thinking of y'all....

    Call me if you are up to it... miss you

  5. aw LOVING this blog. new follower :-)

  6. God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having a soul tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one (a soul tie). I believe that even emotional involvement (without having sex) also creates soul ties, but to a lesser degree than a sexual soul tie. Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at ( May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.