Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm jealous of dead people

I wish we could have gone like this... together

Tonight I caught a glimpse of the news, they were reporting on a married couple that was killed last night on their way home from a New Years Eve dinner party. Their vehicle was struck by a man fleeing from police. All I could think is “damn they’re so lucky.” They got to go together neither one was left behind to mourn or grieve for the other. They entered eternity hand-in-hand. 
Elliott and I used to argue about who should die first. He’d say well “ I hope I go first, I wouldn’t want to be here without you.” Of course I wanted it to be me who went first also. We would eventually just come to the conclusion that we would have to die together. Unfortunately life doesn’t follow the plans you make. Somehow I ended up being the one left behind. 
I view death in a completely different way than I did five months ago. When I hear about someone else dying I actually get jealous. People keep dying all around this world everyday and I just keep thinking “man you lucky bastards.” I sit there and wish that I could trade places with them. I fantasize about some kind of bartering system where I could swap positions with someone so they could live and I could join Elliott on the other side.
Sometimes I feel so guilty— I’ve lost several people in the months after Elliott’s death and I’ve barely felt a thing except envy. I feel like they got to go “home” and I’m still stuck here in the waiting room of life. I’m sure I’m still numb too and that has played a role in my lack of emotion. 
I know it’s not my time yet, I know I’ve still got work to do here on earth ( I have no clue what). I know that I will see Elliott again. I just wish that it could be sooner  rather than later.


  1. I absolutely understand this as well as the lack of clue about your work here on Earth. Your post reminds me that I am 'normal' in this world of widowhood and how it has consumed my life.

  2. Well, one thing you have to do is go to Greece!! I'm thinking August!? I've managed to rope Rachel (a little pink) in too!! Widow vacay!!!! :)

    On another note I've been in this exact spot. Jealous of the people that get to go "home". The ones who pass away peacefully in their sleep, and get to go on a be with the ones they love on the other side.

  3. Lacey, you are not alone. I've had a lot of moments like that and I'd be willing to bet that many other widows and widowers would say the same. It is so hard to be here without them. Keep breathing, keep holding on. Two steps forward, one step back, and you will move forward on this journey. You won't ever forget but the pain does get easier to live with, most of the time. Holding you in my thoughts,

  4. I'm jealous of you both. I keep reading all these post written by widows like yourself and the love you have with your husband is amazing. In my relationship all we do is argue and I'm told to shut up, the world is dumb and so are all the people in it, etc...
    I wish for a love like you ladies have with your spouses. I'm sorry for your terrible loss.

  5. oh, I so completely relate and agree with you...

  6. Ladies-

    Thank you for all the support the "widow love" helps me to keep breathing. You all inspire me and continually remind me that though I'm walking a treturous path, I'm not walking alone.

    To the anonymous commentor.-

    Yes the love Elliott and I shared was and still is amazing. I was so blessed to experience a love like that in this lifetime. No words can describe the caliber of man he was. I hope that one day you will be able to experience love in that way.

  7. I had a love like that too Lacey ... mine was a Marine too ... he was everything he said he was, loyal, faithful, trustworthy ... I'm walking a treacherous path these days .. I so miss the love of my life ... at least I'm not suicidal anymore .. the loneliness is crushing at times ... I feel so lost these days ...I'm dreading the first year of his death .. you see, it was also our 21st wedding anniversary ...

  8. Thank you so much for writing this. This is exactly what I have been feeling for years.
    It may be unhealthy, but I have been obsessed with Heaven for 3 years. I think about it constantly, I imagine how I'll feel when I see all my loved ones who have passed. I imagine the happiness I'll feel knowing there will never be any more pain, suffering, and death. I know it will be absolutely amazing. I don't hope or wish there is a Heaven because I KNOW there is. There will be nothing better than living in complete harmony and happiness with everyone up there.
    Life is Hell. But God is good. At the end of this life, He will show us that there is a happily ever after when we slip through the veil and enter into eternity.
    I will be praying for you. I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. I will be praying for you and Elliott. I'll ask him to give you a big sign to show you he is happy, at peace, and that he loves you and will Always Love you.

  9. I totally relate to this. I even actually posted that pic on my facebook. It's so hard and I was googling " I'm jealous of dead people" and I found this.
    Pure heartbreak. How can I ever get over someone I truely loved so much?

  10. I am so sorry you lost your husband. Even though I am not a widow, I totally understand the feeling of envy towards those who have passed on. I find myself thinking what a blessing it would be if death found me. I have had a very hard life. I was born with a physical disability in a third world country. I was sent away from my family at a young age because no school would take me in (to move to another country where a school would accept me). I suffered the taunts of schoolmates, the daily struggles of living with a handicap, and a very empty feeling inside. Even though I am an adult now, I am just biding my time patiently until it's my time to pass on. I get so jealous of people who have passed on. May you find peace before you go. I wish you the best.

  11. Hello Anonymous,

    I felt like I needed to check my email and I saw this comment you left. Thank you so much of sharing a small bit of your very personal story with me. I am so sorry that you know what it feels like to wish for death. I can completely relate to the feelings of just marking time until you are able to leave this world.

    I cannot imagine the adversity and struggle you have dealt with in your life... just the small piece you have so openly shared inspires me. Though I haven't completely found peace I am walking in that direction. I don't wish for death with the same intensity as I used to. I have days where I cherish life and then I have days when I feel that I am done with it.

    I think what has helped me the most is my belief that we are hear on this earth to learn and that somehow our experiences here help our souls to grow for when we enter into the other side. Some people leave earth with an elementary school education and then others like us leave with master's degrees. I really believe that we grow the most through our heart aches and traumas. That being said I still wish I could live in ignorant bliss and that I didn't get enrolled in life's higher education courses.... does that make a little sense? I'm sorry if I'm rambling.

    I understand all the darkness that grief holds but I am also learning that hidden within adversity and grief are gifts we couldn't receive otherwise. I would gladly give back all the gifts if my husband could come home and I am positive you would give them back as well if you could lead the life you long for. But we cannot so we have to figure out how to dig through the dark sludge of life and and find those little bits of light.

    If you need a friend or someone to talk to or write to please feel free to contact me.

    Love Lacey