I'm jealous of dead people

I wish we could have gone like this... together

Tonight I caught a glimpse of the news, they were reporting on a married couple that was killed last night on their way home from a New Years Eve dinner party. Their vehicle was struck by a man fleeing from police. All I could think is “damn they’re so lucky.” They got to go together neither one was left behind to mourn or grieve for the other. They entered eternity hand-in-hand. 

Elliott and I used to argue about who should die first. He’d say well “ I hope I go first, I wouldn’t want to be here without you.” Of course I wanted it to be me who went first also. We would eventually just come to the conclusion that we would have to die together. Unfortunately life doesn’t follow the plans you make. Somehow I ended up being the one left behind. 

I view death in a completely different way than I did five months ago. When I hear about someone else dying I actually get jealous. People keep dying all around this world everyday and I just keep thinking “man you lucky bastards.” I sit there and wish that I could trade places with them. I fantasize about some kind of bartering system where I could swap positions with someone so they could live and I could join Elliott on the other side.

Sometimes I feel so guilty— I’ve lost several people in the months after Elliott’s death and I’ve barely felt a thing except envy. I feel like they got to go “home” and I’m still stuck here in the waiting room of life. I’m sure I’m still numb too and that has played a role in my lack of emotion. 

I know it’s not my time yet, I know I’ve still got work to do here on earth ( I have no clue what). I know that I will see Elliott again. I just wish that it could be sooner  rather than later.