Friday, October 1, 2010

" just throw me a bone"

... AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH.  I love my dogs. I love my dogs. I love my dogs. But sometimes I feel like they are trying to sabotage what little sanity I have left. I just caught Holly peeing on our new rug. A rug El and I bought a few weeks before he was killed. I had a hunch that she was starting to use it as a potty pad now that it is getting cold outside. But now I'm positive. I yelled and chased her to the kennel, I scared her, now I feel bad. Both her and Bison bark at everything, and he is lifting his leg to claim whatever he feels like in the house. I just can't deal with the doggy issues right now. I'm sure they are suffering, I know they miss Elliott too.

 Elliott got of the Marine Corps  6 months before I did . We got Holly right around that time, El and her would just lay on the couch all day and cuddle while I was at work at the squadron. They created a special bond. I remember being at work and just wanting to go home so bad to El and our new puppy.

Flash forward to our civilian lives we got Bison as a rescue that my mom brought up from California. I was jealous because El got all the puppy love. Both our dogs would always choose to cuddle with him over me.  He used to tell me it was because I would "mess with them too much". I can't just let them sleep I want to pet them, hold their paws, hug them, tug on their furry little ears. Elliott was always so calm and relaxed, he would just let them do their thing. Hence, they always chose him to curl up with when ever he was home. Secretly I loved that they loved him, I would have chose him too If I wear them. 

 I'm sure they sense the shift of energy in the house, the sadness, grief, anxiety , and confusion. They have never been perfect, but they are ours. They have always had their issues ( small dog syndrome ), but without El here it seems to be intensified. How can I manage everything by myself. Can't the pups just see how broken I am. Can't they just say "let's be good for our mom, she's really sad." I don't want to get mad at them I love them, Elliott loved them. They are important members of our family. 

I remember Elliott and I would lay in bed at night and talk about the day when one of our pups might pass away. It would almost bring us to tears. He would say " I want Holly and Bison to live forever." I just can't believe that it's Elliott who is gone. We never really contemplated him or I going before one of the puppies. But he did, he was killed and he's gone, and I miss him, and the pups miss him. I know we are all trying to work it out. I just wish the dogs could work with me, not against me. I know I need to implement some more training, but " who the HELL has time for that" when your trying to figure out what It means to loose the love of your life, to have half your soul missing, to be a young widow. Elliott can't you just pull some strings up there and "throw me a bone", talk to the pups, tell them to behave.  
 ... I know you would if you could. I love you. I need you.


  1. I had a similar issue with my dogs. I even blogged about it. It got bad. My dogs started fighting, like hardcore fighting. I couldn't keep them together anymore and one day, one of them got past me and they starting fighting to the death. I got bit, had to go to the hospital. If my sister wasn't there to help me pull them apart, Koby - our first born, would have been killed. He had to go to the hospital too, and it cost me over $1000 to put him back together again. My house, more like my bedroom looked as if I murdered someone. I had to rip up all my carpets and put down hardwood floors. I had to make the heart wrenching decision to give Milo - our baby who grew to be a humungous dog - away. It killed me. But I knew if Michael were here he would do the same. He would want me and Koby to be safe.

    Now I am not saying to give away any of your pups. But maybe get some professional doggie help. Look for a doggie behaviorist before things get really out of control. Because they can sense it, they are the only animals to who feed off of human emotions. I felt like my grief got out of control and I wasn't able to control my dogs anymore.

    I hope you are able to save your rug. :( HUGS!

  2. Allison,
    Thanks for sharing ... I can't believe it got that bad for or you. When it rains it pours.Dog fights are always so loud and crazy, and then to have to come home to the scene in your room (sigh)... I hate that you were put in the position to choose between two of your pups.

    I just wish I could reason with them, but I can't speak their language, hell I feel like I can't even speak my own language anymore lol.
    I should try and contact a behaviorist that's a good suggestion. Actually I did have this lady come over ( i'm a little embarrassed about it) who was like an animal "communicator". I was totally skeptical of her and for a good reason , she just fed me a crock of shit I already knew. I knew it was silly but hey, sometimes you get desperate.

    ...As for the rug I've been spot cleaning, I really don't want to be the crazy widow who's house smells like dog pee.
    - HUGS right back at ya !

  3. Found you from Allison's blog. Reading through your posts it takes me back to where I was just a few short months ago. I can't say it gets easier, hell for me it got harder before it got any lighter (not trying to scare you) and some days it's ok and some days it's hell again. I just wish upon wish you didn't have to join this stupid sisterhood, but know that it is a sisterhood and there are fellow widows out here thinking of you and right by your side. Virtual hugs.

  4. Thanks for the support, Even though I haven't met you all I feel like I "know" you. I hate finding blessings in any of this, But I can admit that I am so thankful for you fellow widow sisters you are a huge blessing. Just to know that your out there and understand me, even without words is huge. I know your not trying to scare me it's just reality. in the beginning every one would say "oh it will get better" , But I knew that the beginning was the easy part. It's the rest of our lives that will be hard.

    P.S. so i'm new at this whole blog thing , am I supposed to be responding in the comment section or is there a better way to do it , lol ?

  5. Hey Lace-this entry reminded me so much of what I went through after Arkin died. It's like you're inside my head-you explained it perfectly. The only difference is my problem was with Davin, not dogs. Just three days after Arkin died Tony had to return to work, leaving me alone with just my hollow grief and a body still recovering from childbirth..... and of course Davin, who was not quite 3 at the time. I called my dad sobbing saying I couldn't STAND to hear Davin cry. I thought on top of everything else it would just take what was left of me and completely destroy it. I remember realizing it was not at all his fault, but still illogically wondering why he could not see that mommy was in despair and she needed him to be good in order to preserve her sanity. I will always remember that feeling acutely-like I wanted so badly to comfort him as well because I knew he was feeling the pain of the situation... but not really having the emotional resources to do so. I am so thankful I had my dad to help me. Any time you need help with the puppies we are here to take them if you need a break. Love you.