Sunday, November 14, 2010

treading water

...Sitting here on the couch not knowing what to do. The tears begin to fall...
 I ask my self “how did I get here?” I mean I used to be the one who had it all together. Just a few short months ago I was a wife and homemaker a student and avid crafter. I was a good friend and sister and daughter. I was the one giving support and encouraging words to friends and family in need. I was happy and in love. I was blessed to be married to the man of my dreams, a man who loved me deeply and passionately. I was in ignorant bliss— ignorant to the pain of life and the reality of the world.
How could my life change so fundamentally to the core, in just seconds,  without my permission? How could I be so out of control of my life and my future.

Today I am a widow, a sad and lonely soul— Lost and searching for my other half. I am floating in a vast sea of grief and I am searching for the lighthouse to show me the way to shore, but it is no where in site. The waves are violent and cold. Sometimes they sting when they crash against my body. Other times the waves are so chilling I just go numb. I want to let go. I’m tired, I’m ready to stop treading water. I’m ready to drown but for some reason I’m staying afloat and it feels like torture to keep my head above water.
I know there are some things left worth fighting for, I just have a hard time admitting it.  Are those things enough? 
What would Elliott be doing right now? Would he be treading water too? Would he be hanging on, if I received the bullet? I want to honor him so badly, I want to do what he would do, he was the best person I have ever known. I want to be like him.


  1. i had a feeling you would be back. i am out here, thinking of you in the darkness on the east coast. your words ring true for me. how did i get here? there is no way to explain it. we just are. we may never know the reason or think it's crap if we ever do. but you were never in ignorant bliss. you were just happy. and then it all changed in one moment.

    anything you can think of is worth fighting for. one thing is yourself. Elliot would be treading water if fate had twisted itself and it was you gone and this be his blog. he would be cursing fate and calling out for you just as you call out for him.

    remember what i said last weekend. my Dragon wanted me to wallow. he wanted me to mourn. "hey, i'm your Dragon. you have to cry for a Dragon." he said it in jest and yet, here i am. it is normal to wallow. i think. healthy to get all the pain out there to the universe. Elliot may even be thinking, "that's my girl. she's pissed for me. she's pining for me. that's how cool i am." i hope you smile at that, Lacey. i remember how the group chuckled when i said my Dragon wanted me to wallow.

    hang on to Elliot. you still can, you know. love never dies. it transcends, but it never dies. you are in my prayers.

  2. Ok you made me smile, I think it's your Dragon who made me smile too. I guess its just so hard being home now. I miss you girls so much. I do hope Elliott feels good that I mourn for him so deeply. I want to believe love never dies but sometimes the grief clouds the love. I know I should want to fight for myself, but I loved him more.

  3. I love that WomanNShadows wrote Love Never Dies. That is what my tattoo says. It's from a letter HeeJun wrote me. Love never dies, my dear friend. Hang on. I was reading my posts at 5 months and your words are so familiar. Thinking of you. You are not alone.