Monday, February 14, 2011

to my Valentine

Well babe, what can I say to you today... words just can not do justice to what my soul feels. 
This is the first Valentine’s Day I am facing without you... Today I was supposed to wake up in the morning to you saying “babe c’mon it’s time to get up.” A few minutes later I would have crawled out of bed with my hair a mess and sleep in my eyes... then stumbled down the hall to find you sitting in the living room. After a few minutes my eyes would finally be focused and I would see something special; something that took a lot of thought. It would be something I mentioned I wanted months ago and had forgotten about coupled with gift cards to my favorite places and flowers or candy. Whatever it was it would be overboard and amazing, never generic  I would look at you and say “babe, you weren't supposed to get me anything, what is all this?” You would look at me with a mischievous grin and tell me “ Happy Valentine’s Day.” I would ask  “when the hell did you do all this?” You would tell me you woke up early while I was asleep and drove all around town to three or four places to find just exactly what you were looking for. You would probably have some story of how you got frustrated trying to find just the right color so you had to go to another store, and you were kinda worried I’d wake up before you got home and set everything up. But, you knew you’d probably be fine because of how much I love to sleep in. I would see a card that you most likely hand drew or embellished with your beautiful writing. I would start to read it, but I would be in tears before I even made it through the first sentence because I knew how amazing your words would be. I’d finally make it to the end of the card a crying blubbering mess. With happy tears streaming down my face I’d hug and kiss you. I’d spend the rest of the day thanking you and telling you what an amazing husband you were and how absolutely blessed I was to be your wife. We would have a little debate over who was luckier to have who and you’d tell me how much you loved me. The rest of the day we’d just hang around the house, maybe we’d go to dinner or maybe we’d cook at home and stay in. We would probably cuddle up on the couch with our pups and pop in a movie and munch on candy...
I know exactly how it would go because it would be the same as it has been the last five  years we’ve been married. Unfortunately I have to spend today reliving those memories instead of creating new ones. It’s not the gifts or the flowers I miss, I never cared about that stuff. It’s you, it’s your face, your voice, your arms holding me tight to your chest. This is not how it was supposed to be, and I still can’t completely comprehend this new reality without you. 

My heart is so filled with love for you, yet simultaneously broken in your absence. I miss you with every ounce of me and every fiber of my being aches to feel you near. If God would let me join you I would go without reservation. However, I know that is not what is in his plan. I know I must be patient and that one day my number will be up, you will greet me in eternity and it will be as if no time has passed. Be that as it may, every second here with out you is a second too long. Each breath is a battle to push forward when all I really want to do is go back; to return to a time when my heart didn’t know this sorrow and our souls didn’t know this separation. I want to return to that time when we were only conscience of love and grief couldn’t stain every thought.
I was supposed to live this life with you, we were supposed to walk through this world  together. I don’t know how to live it for us, I don’t know how to do this by myself. I need you El. 
Though I’m not ready babe, I promise to try my best to live for you. I promise to try and be a reflection of your love; to show the world who you are and to never let them forget you were here, and you were real. 
So Happy Valentine’s Day ♡ babe and thank you for the greatest gift of all. You gave me the gift of TRUE LOVE. A love that most never find, a truly unconditional, unwavering, selfless, beautiful amazing love.  

Monday, February 7, 2011

I don't want it anymore

I don't want it anymore.
It's broken.
It belonged to him and he's gone.
What am I supposed to do with it now?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

... long time, no blog

It’s been a while since I’ve been here... almost a month since I’ve written or read any blogs. I have made it my goal everyday since my last post to write another one, but it seems like grief has other plans for me. Well actually, Iv’e written in my head every day, and typed out ideas and saved them in the computer, but none of those ideas ever made it into a cohesive post. 
I’m tired, beat, sad, unmotivated, exhausted, defeated, and any other negative feeling that comes to mind... 
I’m still in California. Iv’e been here for a few months now. I’m trying to help my dad downsize and close up most of his business. It’s a huge task, it’s physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. This past year I’ve witnessed the two most important men in my life suffer. I watched my husband, the love of my life be killed, and now I’m watching my father loose everything he’s worked his whole life for.
There is so much more I want to write about tonight, but I’m drained. I’ll try again tomorrow.