death knocks again

Death knocks on the door again ... no we won’t open it, not this time. The world feels like it’s spinning out of control. 

Last week my family lost yet another beautiful young soul. Within three and a half months of another two of us in the family have had to claim the title of widow and widower. Those are words that at our young age just should not exist in our vocabulary. Yet in an instant a split second in time we have become experts on the term. 

Now death threatens again, just one week later. My uncle, my moms only brother was found last night on the side of the road. Bloody and bashed with trauma to the head... he’s in the hospital now having emergency brain surgery. 

I have not been angry with God up until this point. I am still not angry with God. But, I feel like I’m being pushed to the edge of a cliff. I feel like the universe is playing a trick on me to see how far I can be pushed until I fall over. 

 I have gone numb again. My brain knows I should be worried and I should be a basket case, and I should be pacing the the hall until I get good news... Until I get the news that the surgery went well and he’s recovering just fine. But no I sit on the couch numb and void of emotion. It makes me feel like a robot or a zombie with no soul.