Friday, December 31, 2010

time marches on

Time marches on... and it feels like I’m getting trampled under it’s boots. 
So 2010 is coming to and end and I really have mixed emotions about it. In many ways I still yearn for time to stand still and give me a moment (a lot of moments) to catch up, yet it keeps marching forward relentlessly.
Iv’e lived seconds that Elliott did not— those seconds turned into minutes, hours, days, and months I experienced on earth without him. Now It’s here, it’s happening I’m entering a new year that El will have never lived in. Every day I get farther from his touch and earthly presence, and there is nothing I can do about it. You can’t fight time.
2010 began beautiful and ended tragic. In the beginning of the year we were finally getting all settled into our home, visiting with family and friends and just enjoying the road we were on. I celebrated the new year at our home with my mom and dad. We watched fireworks light up the sky from my back deck in the freezing cold. El wasn’t far he was at the fire-station waiting just in case those fireworks lit up someones house or a drunk driver plowed through a red light and someone was injured. The year was full of potential and we were happy truly happy. We started the exciting process of updating our home, upgrading the bathrooms, installing new flooring, and  picking out new furniture. I was busy with school, and El loved being a firefighter. In May we flew down to California and Drove my dads motorhome back up to Alaska. We spent an amazing month on the road. If only I knew it would be our last trip and some of our last memories (sigh, tears welling up in my eyes).
July brought upon the worst time in my life. El was so violently ripped from me, from this world. Now I’m struggling with time. Do I want to leave the year that Elliott was killed behind and move forward ? Or do I want to stay there because it was the last year I would ever see his face, kiss his lips, hear his voice, feel his touch ... ? I wish I was at the point where I really wanted to move forward, but I’m not. I’m holding on tight to what I know, what I know lives in 2010 and before...  The future holds only the unknown, there will be no comforts of my life as I once knew it. 
On the other hand 2010 brought so much pain in my life and the lives of my family, that maybe just maybe there will at least be some relief from the continuous tragedy. After loosing Elliott there will never be anything that will equal the intensity of the pain—everything just becomes salt in the wound, but salt in the wound hurts too. After Elliott was killed 3 more people I knew died also... including my older sister Sheri. My uncle suffered sever brain trauma, and my father is still in the process of loosing the business he gave his blood, sweat, and tears to (literally) for he last 30 years.
Even though It hurts to be moving into a year that Elliott never lived in, time is not going to wait for me. Though I’m not ready and I’m dragging my heels and Kicking my feet into 2011, I secretly hope ( HOPE is a word I struggle with) that this year brings me to a better place than where 2010 left me. I hope that with each day I can focus on and feel Elliott’s love shining down on me.

a new name

El and I

So, I’ve decided to rename my blog. But, I’m going to keep the web address the same because I’m not computer savvy enough to change it without messing things up. When I first started this whole blogging journey a few months ago, it was all so overwhelming. I had wanted to start writing very soon after El was killed, but it took me about two months to find the energy to figure out what exactly a blog even was. 
One of the decisions I struggled with was what to call my blog. Its such a personal choice, and you want it to reflect who you are and what your writing about. I wracked my brain and came up with several names, but none of them quite fit. I settled with the name “Widow Taboo” because I needed something and It described how I was feeling. 
I felt and still feel like everything about being a young widow is taboo. Death is a profoundly taboo subject in-itself, that most people prefer to gloss over —as a widow you now walk hand-in-hand with death, sometimes you wish for death, and your in love with someone who has experienced death. The general public isn’t comfortable with a young twenty-something woman being labeled a widow. People don’t know how to react to the immense grief and despair we feel. Loosing a spouse at a young age thrusts you into a minority that most people have no clue how to react to. Every single decision we make from finances to relationships has a social consequence and will come with judgement from those who do not understand. OK, I could ramble on about this forever but even though I definitely feel like a taboo, I just didn’t like it as a name for my blog any longer.
I’ve been thinking long and hard about what name would really fit me and I haven't been able to come up with anything creative or clever that I just love. Maybe it’s the widow brain preventing me from thinking straight... so this evening the name El and I popped in my head and I think it feels right.
This blog isn’t just about me, it’s about Elliott too. It’s about our Life and our love and how death has infiltrated all aspects of our world. So I like the new name because it is about El and I, short simple and to the point. Plus I just like seeing his name when I log on to blogger. Hopefully I won’t think of a new name tomorrow and want to change it again... I am one of those kind of girls who has to constantly rearrange the furniture...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I lost me too

Wow today has been rough, for no other reason except that grief makes no sense and it’s another day living without Elliott by-my-side. Nothing in particular set me off, nothing in particular has happened today to make it any worse than any other day existing on this earth without him here. It’s just “one of those days.” 
I went to the craft store earlier with my sister, she had to pick up some yarn. I walked up and down the isles like a zombie. I stared at all the things I would have bought before, in my old life. I thought of all my projects that are left unfinished. I saw a skein of the same yarn I was using to crochet a pillow with just minutes before Elliott was killed. 
As I meandered around waiting for her to figure out what she needed, anxiety set in. My chest became tight, my knees went weak, I felt the nausea brewing. Why, why does that happen? The anxiety makes me feel so nervous and hopeless, it makes me feel fearful and timid... Like something terrible is about to go down. The funny thing is IT ALREADY HAS, the WORST has already happened. What more do I have to fear? Still even though I reassure myself mentally that I’ve already walked through my worst nightmare, the physically affects still linger. I have no control and I can’t shake it.
I also have been realizing that I’m not passionate about anything anymore. I used to love so many things. I especially loved sewing. I loved cooking and baking, adorable cupcakes were my specialty. I loved decorating and all things crafty and vintage. Anyone who knows me would describe me as creative. I even supported Elliott and I for a few months while he was going through the rigorous hiring process for the fire department by selling my hand painted glassware. 

a pincushion I made from my favorite scraps

baby shower gifts for my good friend and neighbor

El and I at one of my first craft fair booths

I loved simple things too. I’m a sucker for a beautiful view. I loved a yummy cup of coffee and a good interior design magazine or a beautiful sewing book with delectable patterns. I loved the sun rays that splashed across the kitchen floor at 4 in the afternoon. I loved seeing the first hint of green in my flower bed after a long Alaskan winter and watching the wild flowers pop up in the ditch in our front yard. I loved staring at the birds outside my kitchen window.The list goes on and on... 

our backyard woodpecker

wild flowers in our ditch

The point is that none of the things I loved do it for me anymore. I’m dull and uninterested. I can’t savor the small stuff, I can’t savor anything. I’m just going through the motions, nothing excites me. The world used to be so beautiful and amazing. Everything looks different now. I can’t see the beauty without him here. I want to I really really do, but it just doesn’t look the same.
My life is so fundamentally different that it was just five short months ago. How do you prepare for this? How are you one person and seconds later you become some one completely unrecognizable not only from the outside (see my previous post), but on the inside too. Not only did I loose the absolute love of my life, my world, my reason for living and breathing— I lost me too.
It’s going to be a long road and tough fight back. Sometimes it feels like too much and I don’t know whats left to fight for. I’m not at the point where I can fight for myself. But, I can try to fight for the girl Elliott loved, I’m willing to do it for him. 

I'm nowhere near perfect, I had my issues, but I was happy, truly happy to be loved be him
I love you babe, more than any words could even begin to describe. You probably wouldn’t recognize the broken girl I’ve become, but I’ll keep working to get back to the girl you loved so that when we’re reunited we can pick up just where we left off.

Monday, December 27, 2010

who is that girl ?

It feels like death stole my entire life and then smacked me with the ugly stick...
The past few weeks have continued to be a spiral into the darkness. Lately I  have been feeling just disgusted with myself.  My self-esteem is at an all time low. It’s almost like I am so filled with emotional sewage that its starting to seep and be visible from the outside. 
My skin, my hair, my body, everything looks so different. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the broken girl that stares back at me. I don’t know her and I don’t like her. She’s empty and ugly. Whatever spark that used to live me— the one that made the most amazing man fall madly in love with me, has completely burned out. 
I have always had my insecurities, yet I always felt beautiful in Elliott’s eyes. I was always hard on myself, especially when it came to my weight. El used to get so frustrated with me when I would make negative comments about myself. He would tell me that no matter what I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him, and I knew that he meant it. He loved me without conditions. He stuck by me through thick and thin literally.  I could care  less what anyone else thought of me because in his eyes I was perfect. I never struggled with jealousy because I knew he had eyes for only me. He saw me in a way that I could only comprehend because I saw him in that way too.
 I miss the that feeling I would get with his glance, the feeling of being completely loved, and safe and beautiful. I miss the confidence he gave me. I miss being the spark in his eye. I miss the security in knowing that no matter what happened I was the most precious thing in his life. It wasn’t just that I was important to someone, it was that It was  him, the most amazing man I have ever known, the only man I could ever love so purely and truly. Even at my worst moments deep down I felt amazing because of his love.
I fear I will never be able to see myself in the way that he saw me. It was like the light he cast upon me filtered out all the flaws. Now that light has been stolen, and I can see myself through the glaring lens of reality .I hate what I see.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

meet me in my dreams

As I fell asleep last night I asked for you to come and meet me in my dreams... If you were there I couldn't find you, but I won't give up. I'll wait for you again tonight, same time same place— let our love ♥ lead the way.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

A Christmas letter

In my post today I really wanted to share some Christmas memories and pictures. I wanted to talk about how Elliott and I loved this time of year. I wanted to tell you how we loved to decorate and how much fun we had hanging Christmas lights on the house in the freezing cold Alaskan weather. There are so many wonderful memories... But I can't bring myself to share all the good times yet. The pain is still too fresh and the tears are flowing like the rain outside of my window right now ( I'm in California). I tried to blog last night, but ended up laying in bed and crying myself to sleep at 6pm so I didn't have to face my first Christmas Eve with out El by my side. Again today I tried to blog again, but the pain was too sharp. Instead I wrote a letter to El, so I'm sharing it with you. 

Last Christmas with our little nephew

Dear Elliott,
Like so many others times I don’t know where to start. How do I put these feelings into words when there are no words? Maybe that’s what tears are for; an expression of emotions that no words could even come close to describing. But then again sometimes this hurts so much that I can’t even cry and the fog of numbness descends so thick I become a zombie incapable of any emotion at all. 

It’s Christmas, but not in my world. Today is just another day I’m walking this earth without you by my side. It baffles me that I’ve made it this long without you babe. I feel totally incapable of living without you yet I continue to wake up every morning; though I wish I wouldn’t— it makes no sense to me how I can go on with the day. 

I look at pictures of you and it takes the air from my lungs. You’re so strong, handsome, full of life and love ... how can you just be gone? It doesn’t make any sense. My mind knows your not here anymore but my heart still believes your coming home. Sometimes I start to think that you were just a fantasy that I made up in my head. The grief is so real now that it feels like you were never here. It clouds my brain and threatens my memories. The love you gave me was so sweet but I can only taste the sourness of the pain I’m left with in your absence. You lit my world up—now I’m living in the darkness and I can’t find my way out, without you El my light is gone. 

Surround by people I still feel alone. You weren’t supposed to leave me here, you promised me forever... you said that your love was so strong that nothing could break it. Well what about death? I believe in our love, I really do, but it’s exhausting to fight alone. I can’t fathom a future without you in it. Everyone says that you would want me to be happy—what they don’t understand is that you were my happiness. You were my world, my reason... when I watched you die I watched myself die too. Yet somehow my soul got stuck here, even though I wanted to go home with you. Now I have to wait to find you, and living every second without you is torture. 

I know as the days pass I may get used to it, but the pain will always be with me—sometimes it will be as fresh as just yesterday. One day I want to feel the love more than the grief, but I can’t imagine a day like that. I love you more than ever, and I miss you more than words. I hope that you can feel my love.
Love Always
Your Wife,

Thursday, December 23, 2010

the world keeps spinning

The past few months have been a whirlwind and I just can’t catch my breath, it feels as if my life continues to spin more and more out of control. All I want to do is read and write, grieve, process, connect with  my fellow widows, reconnect with my friends, focus on feeling Elliott, and the list goes on ... Instead I’ve been trapped in the cliche´ “the world keeps turning.” Yes the world does keep turning, people I know keep dying, my family continues to struggle, the man who killed my husband gets away scott free, —heartache, stress and loss threaten to consume me... five months feels like five days and the sixth month mark is rapidly approaching.
Is it to much to ask the universe to just slow down and give me a break, a moment in time to take in a breath and recenter myself— some time to process and grieve for the loss of my husband the person I love more than anything in this life or the next. 
Oh the irony... just as I’m typing this plea I hear the phone ring to deliver the news that my older sister died only minutes ago... I knew it was coming she’s been sick for a while but I didn’t think it would happen this soon.
When will the bad news stop coming I just need some time to put my feet on solid ground. Although I don’t know if i’ll ever find solid ground again. Elliott was that rock for me. He was my safe place, my comfort and support. He was my stability and sanity. He’s gone and i’m left in this volatile world.
I’m not having a pity party for myself, I don’t want sympathy all I want is a little peace of mind. I want the comfort of knowing that things are not going to continually get worse. I want a chance to pick myself up off the floor before some new tragedy thrashes me to the ground again.
All the chaos of this year would be hard to deal with under any circumstance but riding on the coat tails of El’s death makes it all seem like a cruel joke. I need him here, I need to feel him. I need the safe haven he provided. I need his unconditional unwavering, steadfast love. I need his advice, ideas and opinions. I NEED HIM, I JUST NEED MY HUSBAND. 

As I’m typing these words the thought rushes through my brain “you don’t have a husband anymore.” Immediately my eyes well up and the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I don’t want to believe, it can’t be true... I have an amazing husband he’s just dead.