Thursday, December 23, 2010

the world keeps spinning

The past few months have been a whirlwind and I just can’t catch my breath, it feels as if my life continues to spin more and more out of control. All I want to do is read and write, grieve, process, connect with  my fellow widows, reconnect with my friends, focus on feeling Elliott, and the list goes on ... Instead I’ve been trapped in the cliche´ “the world keeps turning.” Yes the world does keep turning, people I know keep dying, my family continues to struggle, the man who killed my husband gets away scott free, —heartache, stress and loss threaten to consume me... five months feels like five days and the sixth month mark is rapidly approaching.
Is it to much to ask the universe to just slow down and give me a break, a moment in time to take in a breath and recenter myself— some time to process and grieve for the loss of my husband the person I love more than anything in this life or the next. 
Oh the irony... just as I’m typing this plea I hear the phone ring to deliver the news that my older sister died only minutes ago... I knew it was coming she’s been sick for a while but I didn’t think it would happen this soon.
When will the bad news stop coming I just need some time to put my feet on solid ground. Although I don’t know if i’ll ever find solid ground again. Elliott was that rock for me. He was my safe place, my comfort and support. He was my stability and sanity. He’s gone and i’m left in this volatile world.
I’m not having a pity party for myself, I don’t want sympathy all I want is a little peace of mind. I want the comfort of knowing that things are not going to continually get worse. I want a chance to pick myself up off the floor before some new tragedy thrashes me to the ground again.
All the chaos of this year would be hard to deal with under any circumstance but riding on the coat tails of El’s death makes it all seem like a cruel joke. I need him here, I need to feel him. I need the safe haven he provided. I need his unconditional unwavering, steadfast love. I need his advice, ideas and opinions. I NEED HIM, I JUST NEED MY HUSBAND. 

As I’m typing these words the thought rushes through my brain “you don’t have a husband anymore.” Immediately my eyes well up and the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I don’t want to believe, it can’t be true... I have an amazing husband he’s just dead.


  1. oh, my dear, sweet friend. i have been waiting on news from you and here it is. and it is all so unfair. and all i have is i am so sorry that the person who killed Elliot got away without punishment. i will not call him a man for he is not. he is an evil human being. i do believe that he will get his punishment eventually. wrongs will be corrected.

    i am also very sorry to hear that your older sister has died. so much pain in your life. so much sorrow. i wish i lived closer to come and sit with you. or to stand with you. i would say little unless you needed me to. i would simply be there to make sure you had a little something to eat and something warm to drink, like tea. i would encourage you to take a nap and set up soft music and maybe read to you to help bring quiet to your mind so that you could close your eyes for a short while. it would change nothing except let you know that i see all this happening to you and i wish it had not. it would let you know that you do not have to focus on taking care of yourself because you had a friend who understood that even thinking of and doing the simple things takes more energy than you have.

    i pray for you daily. i think of you often. i wish everything was different and we had met at an art show or something. i'll go ahead and say it. i wish we were not widows. i wish you peace. i am here to listen and read all you have to say.

  2. I'm not a widow, just have been following your blog. So sorry about your husband, sister, and injustice of his your husbands killer getting away without pumishment but don't worry, the greatest judgement will come one day and thats the one that will count. I am praying for you.

  3. How I missed this post I have no idea! I'm so sorry to hear about your sister! You do have an amazing husband, and just because he has passed away, it doesn't change that. Hugs hugs, and lots of love to you!!!