Monday, December 27, 2010

who is that girl ?

It feels like death stole my entire life and then smacked me with the ugly stick...
The past few weeks have continued to be a spiral into the darkness. Lately I  have been feeling just disgusted with myself.  My self-esteem is at an all time low. It’s almost like I am so filled with emotional sewage that its starting to seep and be visible from the outside. 
My skin, my hair, my body, everything looks so different. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the broken girl that stares back at me. I don’t know her and I don’t like her. She’s empty and ugly. Whatever spark that used to live me— the one that made the most amazing man fall madly in love with me, has completely burned out. 
I have always had my insecurities, yet I always felt beautiful in Elliott’s eyes. I was always hard on myself, especially when it came to my weight. El used to get so frustrated with me when I would make negative comments about myself. He would tell me that no matter what I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him, and I knew that he meant it. He loved me without conditions. He stuck by me through thick and thin literally.  I could care  less what anyone else thought of me because in his eyes I was perfect. I never struggled with jealousy because I knew he had eyes for only me. He saw me in a way that I could only comprehend because I saw him in that way too.
 I miss the that feeling I would get with his glance, the feeling of being completely loved, and safe and beautiful. I miss the confidence he gave me. I miss being the spark in his eye. I miss the security in knowing that no matter what happened I was the most precious thing in his life. It wasn’t just that I was important to someone, it was that It was  him, the most amazing man I have ever known, the only man I could ever love so purely and truly. Even at my worst moments deep down I felt amazing because of his love.
I fear I will never be able to see myself in the way that he saw me. It was like the light he cast upon me filtered out all the flaws. Now that light has been stolen, and I can see myself through the glaring lens of reality .I hate what I see.


  1. i completely understand this feeling. i cannot stand to look at myself and yet my Dragon always thought i was beautiful. but not hearing him say it or look at me the way he did, i feel bereft and ugly. but i know what he would say to me. and i know what Elliot would say to you.

    he would say, "my love, you are still beautiful because i love you." you are beautiful, Lacey. i met you. you have such a beautiful smile and contagious laugh. and yes, there is so much pain in your eyes, but you are beautiful.

    Elliot loves you. your looks have not changed because he died anymore than mine have and yet, we only seem to see ourselves through their eyes. so how about this, i will tell you what i see and you can tell Bunny how cute and fuzzy she is when she comes to visit you. i am going to be starting off her journey with you in Alaska. i think you really need her to come be with you for a few days. i am still getting everything together so i will let you know when i am ready to mail her. psssst. she is so excited.

    i wish you peace.

  2. Girl, I remember that feeling. I was so disgusted with myself and when i saw pictures of myself I didn't recognize the girl behind those sad eyes. Then one day...I pray that one day you will be able to look at yourself and be so proud of who you have become.

  3. I'm pretty sure that at some point I have this exact post on my blog!! But, as time goes by, you'll learn to accept and love the person that you'll grow to be. It's hard to see now, but it'll happen, it just takes a shit load of time. We are still the women that our amazing men fell in love with, we're just a little lost. The light will find us, just keep holding that beautiful head up as high as you can. Love you girl!!

  4. You've just described exactly the relationship I had with my Jer...he loved me so unconditionally, no one has ever made me feel as beautiful. I dread to fall into the place you find yourself in. Right now, I'm trying to tell myself it's just pregnancy and the shock of it all. But deep down, my worst nightmare is that I've completely lost my self worth when I lost my love and my light. Praying for you tonight.

    For what it's worth, even though I've not met you, your pictures are gorgeous. I can see why Elliot fell in love with you, you are beautiful.

  5. ...Girls thank you all for the support, you ladies are my light when I can't find it within myself. I love you all!