It feels like death stole my entire life and then smacked me with the ugly stick...
The past few weeks have continued to be a spiral into the darkness. Lately I have been feeling just disgusted with myself. My self-esteem is at an all time low. It’s almost like I am so filled with emotional sewage that its starting to seep and be visible from the outside.
My skin, my hair, my body, everything looks so different. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the broken girl that stares back at me. I don’t know her and I don’t like her. She’s empty and ugly. Whatever spark that used to live me— the one that made the most amazing man fall madly in love with me, has completely burned out.
I have always had my insecurities, yet I always felt beautiful in Elliott’s eyes. I was always hard on myself, especially when it came to my weight. El used to get so frustrated with me when I would make negative comments about myself. He would tell me that no matter what I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him, and I knew that he meant it. He loved me without conditions. He stuck by me through thick and thin literally. I could care less what anyone else thought of me because in his eyes I was perfect. I never struggled with jealousy because I knew he had eyes for only me. He saw me in a way that I could only comprehend because I saw him in that way too.
I miss the that feeling I would get with his glance, the feeling of being completely loved, and safe and beautiful. I miss the confidence he gave me. I miss being the spark in his eye. I miss the security in knowing that no matter what happened I was the most precious thing in his life. It wasn’t just that I was important to someone, it was that It was him, the most amazing man I have ever known, the only man I could ever love so purely and truly. Even at my worst moments deep down I felt amazing because of his love.
I fear I will never be able to see myself in the way that he saw me. It was like the light he cast upon me filtered out all the flaws. Now that light has been stolen, and I can see myself through the glaring lens of reality .I hate what I see.