I lost me too

Wow today has been rough, for no other reason except that grief makes no sense and it’s another day living without Elliott by-my-side. Nothing in particular set me off, nothing in particular has happened today to make it any worse than any other day existing on this earth without him here. It’s just “one of those days.” 

I went to the craft store earlier with my sister, she had to pick up some yarn. I walked up and down the isles like a zombie. I stared at all the things I would have bought before, in my old life. I thought of all my projects that are left unfinished. I saw a skein of the same yarn I was using to crochet a pillow with just minutes before Elliott was killed. 

As I meandered around waiting for her to figure out what she needed, anxiety set in. My chest became tight, my knees went weak, I felt the nausea brewing. Why, why does that happen? The anxiety makes me feel so nervous and hopeless, it makes me feel fearful and timid... Like something terrible is about to go down. The funny thing is IT ALREADY HAS, the WORST has already happened. What more do I have to fear? Still even though I reassure myself mentally that I’ve already walked through my worst nightmare, the physically affects still linger. I have no control and I can’t shake it.

I also have been realizing that I’m not passionate about anything anymore. I used to love so many things. I especially loved sewing. I loved cooking and baking, adorable cupcakes were my specialty. I loved decorating and all things crafty and vintage. Anyone who knows me would describe me as creative. I even supported Elliott and I for a few months while he was going through the rigorous hiring process for the fire department by selling my hand painted glassware. 

a pincushion I made from my favorite scraps

baby shower gifts for my good friend and neighbor

El and I at one of my first craft fair booths

I loved simple things too. I’m a sucker for a beautiful view. I loved a yummy cup of coffee and a good interior design magazine or a beautiful sewing book with delectable patterns. I loved the sun rays that splashed across the kitchen floor at 4 in the afternoon. I loved seeing the first hint of green in my flower bed after a long Alaskan winter and watching the wild flowers pop up in the ditch in our front yard. I loved staring at the birds outside my kitchen window.The list goes on and on... 

our backyard woodpecker

wild flowers in our ditch

The point is that none of the things I loved do it for me anymore. I’m dull and uninterested. I can’t savor the small stuff, I can’t savor anything. I’m just going through the motions, nothing excites me. The world used to be so beautiful and amazing. Everything looks different now. I can’t see the beauty without him here. I want to I really really do, but it just doesn’t look the same.

My life is so fundamentally different that it was just five short months ago. How do you prepare for this? How are you one person and seconds later you become some one completely unrecognizable not only from the outside (see my previous post), but on the inside too. Not only did I loose the absolute love of my life, my world, my reason for living and breathing— I lost me too.

It’s going to be a long road and tough fight back. Sometimes it feels like too much and I don’t know whats left to fight for. I’m not at the point where I can fight for myself. But, I can try to fight for the girl Elliott loved, I’m willing to do it for him. 

I'm nowhere near perfect, I had my issues, but I was happy, truly happy to be loved be him

I love you babe, more than any words could even begin to describe. You probably wouldn’t recognize the broken girl I’ve become, but I’ll keep working to get back to the girl you loved so that when we’re reunited we can pick up just where we left off.