Fall is in full force. The feeling of the crisp and cool air on my face is a subtle reminder that I am still alive, even though I do not want to be. This the first new season I'm entering with out my beautiful husband, the first fall we will not experience together. Today I woke up at 5 pm, I know it seems pointless to even get up at all at that point. It's trash night so I gathered up the house trash to drag out to the drive way. I decided it was time to dump some of my flower pots from this summer. I went out to the back deck and collected all the pots full of dead flowers. When I pulled them out of their pots I couldn't help but notice their roots. It made me think about my life here in Alaska. Elliott and I started our married life in San Diego. We lived there for 6 months until we were both discharged from the Marine Corps. Shortly after we packed up our Jeep, bought a trailer and headed north to Alaska in spring 2006. I followed him here, I would have followed him anywhere. I wish I could have followed him in death ( I just have to be patient ). We started a new life together. We established ourselves, we bought a house, I started school, Elliott was hired onto the Anchorage Fire Department. Everything was falling into place. We have amazing friends, Elliott's family is here, and we became a part of the fire department family. My point is that we laid down roots. Slowly those roots took hold and were becoming the foundation for our life. Everything is different now. Just like I pulled those plants out of their pots today, I have been pulled from my pot, my safe spot to grow. My roots are fully exposed and I'm vulnerable. I don't know how to salvage what is left. Elliott and I worked so hard to grow the life we had together, and just like the plants in my yard it is dying. The one thing that cannot die is my love for you Elliott. I love you more than ever and I miss you to the depths of my soul.