Well it’s officially 2011 and as expected nothing feels different. I’m still here and El’s still gone.
I contemplated what I should do today, the last day of the last year Elliott was alive. I thought maybe I should drag myself to the beach and stare at the ocean and cry. I thought that maybe I should write and reflect and soak up every second of this day. But the reality is I don’t have the energy to do anything but continue being a zombie, and really what makes today any different from any other?
Instead of doing anything profound I spent the day running errands with my mom and sister. We grabbed lunch at a tiny cuban restaurant and the went to IKEA to shop for a new dresser for my sis. I walked around IKEA in a complete fog and before I knew it we were headed home. I’ve been sitting in my parents living room ever since. I did not celebrate one bit, I barely acknowledge the new year. I didn’t watch the ball or count down until the clock struck midnight. Instead my sister and I popped in a “GLEE” dvd. I just started watching that show since I’ve been helping my family down in California. Sometimes it’s hard for me to watch because the character Finn has a close resemblance to Elliott. I had a few people who had told me about the resemblance before, but I didn’t really believe them. When I first watched the show it was so bittersweet because they were right. Finn (Cory Monteith) has a similar look tall with light skin and rosy cheeks. It’s not even so much his looks as his mannerisms. There just certain times when he does really remind me of El, it’s weird. Anyway the night has been quiet and uneventful, and at this point thats about all I can handle.
As much as I hate that Elliott will never live in 2011 it’s really just a technicality. It’s not the year that hurts, It’s the fact that he’s no longer here no matter what the date. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him and about us together. I miss all the small stuff like him calling me ten times a day when he was at work, or him waking me up in the morning to kiss me good bye before he was off to the fire house. I miss cuddling up to him on the couch and catching up on our DVR’ed shows. I miss his body next mine as I lay in bed at night , this list could go on forever ...
Thank you for commenting on my blog. It's a strange world we've found ourselves in, and the WidowRoad is a hard one to walk. For myself, having so many cyber companions has made the walk a little easier, the road a little less lonely.
ReplyDelete-- Wishing you a measure of peace for this day, and for each of the days to come